Sit-down Comedy and Other Stuff

What a day! Yesterday...and in some regards today! But this blog isn't about me (yes it is) so here is some of my observations that have nothing to do with anything! Exclamation points for all!

I was driving yesterday, a common occurrence for me, and a common way I'm starting blogs recently. I noticed the driver of an oncoming car with his wrists resting atop his steering wheel, cell phone in hand. I know what texting looks like, and boy, he was texting...while driving! Exclamation points and elipsises'...for all! Anyway, I just ruined my joke by breaking continuity of the story. Bag it! So I see this guy blatantly texting while driving and I got so nervous that he might crash into me that I had to stop doing my crossword puzzle and edge a little closer to the shoulder to give him swerving room. Some people just refuse to pay attention to the road while driving. Harumph!

Later in the day yesterday I was with friends and one of them had a broken vehicle. We ended up having to call Triple A, or AAA for you purists out there, to come tow the vehicle. In the interim of calling and waiting we discussed calling her insurance company, State Farm. She even had a State Farm sticker on the bumper. I sang out, "like a good neighbor, state farm is there!" But nothing! No agent appeared, even with a sticker on the bumper! There was no agent, no obnoxious morphing boyfriend or girlfriend, no teenage boy getting a sandwich, no hot tub, no dreamy boy with a dark side, no girl from 3E...and have I mentioned no agent? They don't even have an 800 number on the insurance card. She called the number on the card and it went to her agent's office, and surprise! it was after hours so no one answered the phone. Yeah, State Farm, that was a great neighbor. Granted, there wasn't any accident and they might not have done anything anyway, but we could have used a neighbor's help. End of story.

Today at work there was a lot of mail. Here's how the mail works in a government building these days. Ever afraid of chemical or biological agents being used as weapons through the mail, all incoming mail goes to a "safe room" in the basement of the building. I work in the same building as the Governor's office, so the security is "tighter" (and I use that loosely, ha ha!) in this building than in some other state offices around town. Anyway, the mail goes to the safe room and then one representative from each office or department goes down and sorts and opens every piece of mail for their group. The purpose of opening the mail in this room is that if there is a harmful substance present in an envelope the exposure will be limited.

The room is small, perhaps 6' by 10', not unlike a prison cell. An electronic lock with a special code is on the door to get in. The door is to remain closed at all times. The light switch is outside the door, an interesting feature of any room. Apparently the phone inside is a recent addition. Prior to having the phone installed the procedure was, if a harmful substance was suspected, to leave the room and notify someone. Thereby increasing exposure to other unknowing chumps. You might expect a room like this to be airtight and well ventilated with secure air sources and exits. This is not the case. There is some type of floor unit that hums and blows air, but I don't know if it is a filter or not. I've never taken the time to check. Maybe I will tomorrow. Regardless of what it is, it is there and it blows air. The rest of the room is just sheet rock walls. A good 3/4" gap under the door is the only source of ventilation, which is obviously not filtered or secure.

Fortuitously, nothing dangerous has ever come through our little mail room. But everyday representatives from each office make their way through the X-Files-esque basement corridor to the end of the hall where the digitally locked door is found. The office I work for has the assignment for our department once every few months. I share the responsibilities on our month with two other temps. We go like heroes, open the mail and peek inside for signs of danger. Selflessly sacrificing our well-being to protect our co-workers. Yeah right. Every time I go down to that room this little thing in the back of my mind reminds me that they are sending me down as a guinea pig. A canary in a mine shaft. If danger is present we'll know because Ajax didn't make it back. Well, I've made it back every time so far.

I say that all in jest. It is comical. Doing the mail isn't so bad, I have the easy part, just look at the address and toss it into piles. Not unlike the mail guys in the holiday classic Miracle on 34th Street. Sometimes, when alone, I will try my best New York accent and talk to the mail about sending all of the Santy Claus letters over to the Court House. But don't tell anyone, I'd be slightly embarrassed.

My story is now writing me. I have to take control again. Remember when I said there was a lot of mail today? I don't know if I did, but there was a lot of mail today. Yesterday was a holiday, and a Monday, so three-day weekend. That means a lot of mail. When I got down to the room and saw all of the mail for my department, I thought, that's more mail than you can shake a stick at! Which made me immediately yearn for a stick to shake at the mail buckets. You know, to see if it was possible. The saying says it can't be done, but I would like to try for myself. Sadly there aren't any sticks in the mail room. I guess all of the magic wands from the various wizards and fairy princesses at last week's mail room costume party took their sticks-posing-as-magic-wands home with them. My loss. I looked around and the next best thing to a stick was a long, butter-knife style letter opener. I shook that thing madly at the mail. I didn't have any problem. I may not have been able to test the actual saying, but I do know now that piles of mail that are so large as to prevent your ability to shake a stick at them, are not sufficiently large to prevent the shaking of a letter opener at. For what it is worth, you now have increased knowledge. You are welcome.

One final quip for the day. On my way out of the building I exited through the back staircase. I've seen lots of people use this door to travel between floors of the building and to exit the building. I have done it myself, but every time I go through the door I worry. The door is marked with a sign that says "Emergency Exit Only." It is apparent that the door is no longer relegated to that functionality. That, or everyone in the building has zero regard for the rules. I might be being led astray by those of my co-workers and leaders that use this stairwell as a normal exit. I just don't know. I've seen my boss use that route; in fact, I have used that route with my boss one time when I was giving him a ride home from work. If they ever pinch me for using that exit inappropriately I'll blame him.

The staircase is secure though, once you are in it you can only get outside on the ground level unless you have a security badge. My badge only works on the floor I work on, so if I get into the stair case I can go bang on the doors at other landings a la Fred Flintstone, but I cannot flash my badge at the scanner and unlock the door. The only door that doesn't require a badge to get through is, like I said, the one that exits to the outside.

I know it isn't nice to choose favorites, but out of the 6 landings (the ground floor level is lower than the first floor as the building is set into a hill) my favorite door is the first floor. I'll tell you why. I'm sure you want to know. So here it is, the reason why that door is my favorite, without further ado, the reason why that door is my favorite. On the door, stairwell side, there is a sign affixed. It says, among other things which I have never paid attention to, "Door Alarmed." That is why it is my favorite, because I read it as though it is telling me that the door is in a state of alarm. The door is feeling alarmed. Really, that's why I like it so much. A door can't feel alarm. That's why it works.

And you know what? I've thought of a few other things to mention. I have them in the note section of my phone. That's where I put brilliant ideas that I want to remember for later blogging. It is now later. One of my co-workers today asked, in a mildly sarcastic manner, "aren't we all having a blast today?" I retorted, "I am having a blast [holding up my bag of Doritos, left over from lunch at Subway], a flavor blast!" I don't think I got any laughter on that one. Not from anyone other than me anyway.

Here is a good one. I was listening to the iPod Shuffle at work one day last week. I actually had it on shuffle. The tune "Without You" from the My Fair Lady soundtrack played. In case you are not familiar with the storyline, we have Eliza, a poverty class flower girl who has reprehensible English speaking skills, at least according to Professor Henry Higgins, a pompous linguist. Higgins makes a bet that he can turn the girl from the gutter into a princess at a royal ball. By instructing her in the use of proper English and dressing her in fancy clothes, he proves that outward appearances are all that matter to high society. But in the end he really finds out that, well, I won't spoil it, go watch the movie. Back to the song.

In "Without You" Eliza is declaring her independence from the slightly insane Professor Higgins. She attacks his vanity (if he doesn't think this song is about him, he ought to think again) and departs by saying he will never see her again, or that she will never burden him again, I don't have it memorized. You get the idea. It is a fun song, standard show tune fare. Not to say it is ordinary and bland, but it sounds like a good show tune song. I like it. What it doesn't sound like is "Cretin Hop" by The Ramones, New York City's own punk rock pioneers.

"Without You" shuffled into "Cretin Hop." There you have my wild imagination picturing Eliza Doolittle exiting the entertaining room of Professor Higgins' mother's house, saying farewell to the man who transformed her image, and fading to a punk rock show with The Ramones playing "Cretin Hop." I could picture it in movie form. It would be so perfect. If I ever get to a point where I can write for a TV show or a movie I will make that scene transition a reality.

Oh man! I'm listening to the live version of "Cretin Hop" which I just hyper-texted above. What a great song! Joey Ramone is the best punk vocalist ever. Johnny plays that guitar just like he's ringing a bell. I could watch that video all day. But I won't. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping the cretins from hopping. As usual, punk rock has distracted me. I guess I will call it a post and click that old publish button now.

Finally, if you are waiting for the promised second video of Brandon and I dancing around our apartment like fools, I have been having trouble uploading it. For some reason the file size is huge. I'll figure it out and post it. Be patient. Thank you for being patient.